


together (even when we're apart)

by youngho



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Canon Compliant, Communication, Established Relationship, Fluff, Headcanon, Healthy Relationships, M/M, Never thought you'd see those tags together huh, as any couple should, but its legit, johnyong have issues but they talk it out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:09:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,208
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26230918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/youngho/pseuds/youngho
Summary: When Taeyong leaves to take a break, Johnny wonders if it's a sign, a sign that Taeyong is not only leaving for a while but leaving him for good.
Relationships: Lee Taeyong/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Comments: 12
Kudos: 132





	together (even when we're apart)

**Author's Note:**

> this is based on taeyong's hiatus starting jun 26 and will collide with his birthday. it says canon compliant but it's mostly just [headcanon](https://fanlore.org/wiki/Headcanon). also i know the finger hearts was proven to have taeyong in it, but my headcanon is that he wasn't with them because he was still on a break 🤪🤙. please don't hate me, it's all for the drama haha. anyway, this is really just word vomit and an excuse for johnny to agonize over his boyfriend taking a break without him. there's literally no point hahahaha omg i do hope you enjoy it anyway.
> 
> **warning:** unbeta-ed and i proofread this once and on my own so mistakes are probably apparent. again, it's more word vomit so it's most likely a mess haha.

Johnny is a little at a loss for words. He watches Taeyong zip up his duffel bag, shoulders and back hunched as if he's carrying the weight of the world.

"Is that everything?" he finds himself asking.

Taeyong turns, a weak smile on his lips. "Yeah, it's just for a few days." He shrugs and shoulders the duffel. They stand awkwardly in the middle of Taeyong's room, Johnny unsure of what else to say, what else to do.

It's Taeyong who makes the move, who presses close into Johnny's personal space until he's resting his head on Johnny's shoulders. Johnny's arms automatically come up to envelop Taeyong, tightening when Taeyong sighs in comfort, as if he'd fall asleep in Johnny's arms and stay there forever.

"I'm so—"

"No," Johnny is quick to cut off Taeyong. "Don't apologize. It's not your fault, nothing's your fault. It's just, I'm worried, but I know this is the best decision for you." Johnny squeezes Taeyong in his arms, nuzzling at his head until he can smell the faint scent of Taeyong's shampoo. "I just wish I could do something," he finally whispers, so softly that Taeyong almost misses it.

Taeyong wraps his arms around Johnny then, rubbing at Johnny's back. "You did do something; you were there for me, you stood by me, and you held me when I needed it. You let me cry on your shoulder multiple times. You've done enough, more than even." Taeyong pushes Johnny back a little to meet his eyes. "And I know you want to be with me to make sure I'm okay, but you have to be here, you have to stay because I can't be here to watch over you guys, and you know I can't stay here for the time being." His voice and hands tremble as he says the last line, and Johnny's heart breaks a little. "I have to— _need_ to go home, and you have to stay here and make sure that everything will be alright even without me around."

Johnny wants to tell Taeyong that nothing will be alright without Taeyong, that NCT and NCT 127 isn't the same without Taeyong, but he knows that's not the right thing to say. Especially not when Taeyong's been carrying the weight and responsibilities as NCT 127's leader since 2016, and the weight of it looks about ready to break him into tiny little pieces. And when that happens, Johnny's afraid he won't be able to put Taeyong back together.

"Okay," is all Johnny replies. "I'll stay." He holds Taeyong again and buries his head into the crook of Taeyong's neck.

"Thank you," Taeyong whispers, planting a soft kiss to the side of Johnny's neck. It sounds relieved and relaxed, and that alone gives Johnny enough strength to let Taeyong go. He knows it's only for a short while. A week at best. That's all the company can really give them. Still, it'll be the longest time he and Taeyong have separated since they've been together.

Johnny watches Taeyong go, watches him walk out the door, escorted by their manager. They can't go farther because of the stalkers hanging around. Taeyong turns back and waves goodbye. Johnny musters the most reassuring smile he can give and waves back.

They don't say it; they don't mouth it, but Taeyong gives him a look, and Johnny knows. _I love you_.

 _I love you too_.

When the door closes, Johnny rests his head against the door. _I lied_ , Johnny thinks. The truth is that while Johnny is scared and worried, he's scared that Taeyong leaving is a catalyst for something bigger, something that sounds like a break up. It's selfish, and Johnny knows it, but he can't help but wonder if Taeyong thinks he isn't enough. That the reason he's leaving to go home, to stay with his family, is because he can't find the comfort and peace that he needs in Johnny anymore, and that scares and worries Johnny.

 _Pathetic_ , he thinks. Johnny hates himself for being so selfish and self-centered. His boyfriend's going through a tough time, and all he can think about is himself. _I am so pathetic._

"Hyung?" Doyoung's voice pulls Johnny away from his thoughts. "What're you doing by the door? What's wrong?"

Johnny waves Doyoung's worries away. "It's nothing. I was just seeing Taeyong off and… yeah…"

Doyoung gives him a look, but Johnny changes the subject before Doyoung can pry. It works well enough in the moment as he ushers Doyoung into their dining area, but he knows Doyoung will ask questions later. He always does.

* * *

They're in the dressing room, and the members are loud, boisterous, but Johnny's sitting on the couch, phone in his hands, and his KakaoTalk chat open, but there are no new messages. He keeps typing and deleting the same kind of phrase.

The couch dips and an arm wraps around his shoulders, and Johnny quickly locks his phone, but Doyoung hums right in his face.

"Were you expecting a message from Taeyong hyung or were you going to send him a message?"

Johnny tries to laugh it off. "No, I was just checking my messages."

Doyoung moves his arm off of Johnny's shoulders and scrutinizes Johnny, eyebrows scrunching together as he studies the expression on Johnny's face. "You've been weird since yesterday. What's going on?"

"Nothing, I swear," Johnny says. He pockets his phone, so it won't give Doyoung any ideas, but it seems too late when Doyoung nudges him.

"Just text him, hyung. I'm sure he won't mind." And with that, Doyoung leaves the couch to join the chaos that is usual in their dressing room. One of their managers brings in some snacks and drinks then, and with everyone distracted, Johnny pulls up his phone and takes a picture.

 _We're a bit of a mess without you, but we're holding up._ He attaches the picture and doesn't say what he really wants to say, that he really misses him, that he hates that this had to happen to Taeyong of all people, but most of all that he's sorry that he can't be Taeyong's strength, the he isn't enough.

"Johnny!" their manager calls. "Come get your food before they finish it."

"Coming!" Johnny pockets his phone, making sure it's close to him in case it vibrates.

Johnny spends the rest of the day sending Taeyong messages and pictures, updating him of things he might've missed. Johnny doesn't know if Taeyong will appreciate it, but at this point, he doesn't really know what to do. What he doesn't send is that he misses Taeyong, more than he ever thought he would.

The day finishes with them back in the dorm, Johnny in the dining room with his phone laid in front of him. He had planned on eating, but the temptation to check his phone had won, and now he's sitting waiting for something he doesn't know will arrive.

"Hyung?" Donghyuck rests his head on Johnny's shoulder. "You've been staring at your phone for a while now. I thought you were gonna eat?"

Johnny shakes off the trance he was just in and ruffles Donghyuck's hair. "Did you want me to heat you up some food too?"

Donghyuck hums, and Johnny takes it as an agreement and starts checking the tupperwares of prepared meals their ahjumma had left for them. "I'll just get whatever and heat some rice, yeah?"

Donghyuck hums again, and when Johnny turns to look at him, he finds Donghyuck looking at his phone, still open at his KakaoTalk messages with Taeyong. Before Johnny can rush and take the phone away, Donghyuck says, "Taeyong hyung didn't reply to your messages?"

Johnny pretends the question doesn't sting and turns to take care of their dinner. "No, I don't think he's seen them." He remembers the bright, little '1' right beside his messages and how it hasn't disappeared yet. It's been about an hour since Johnny sent the last message, their posted picture on their SNS with them posing as if Taeyong was with them. It had been Johnny's idea, and he had said as much in the message. Still, there was no sign that Taeyong had read it.

"Maybe he turned off his phone," Donghyuck tries to explain, as if he's trying to comfort Johnny. Johnny hates that he needs comforting, but he appreciates the gesture.

"Yeah, I was thinking that too. I remembered that some of his sasaengs and anti-fans were contacting him through his KakaoTalk." Johnny shrugs.

"But it bothers you, right? That he didn't read or reply?"

Johnny bites his lip and resolutely keeps his gaze on the microwave, watching the numbers go down. Seconds seem to pass, and before Johnny can be complacent that Donghyuck has dropped the subject, Doyoung walks into the dining room asking to have some food heated up for him as well.

"What're you guys talking about?" Doyoung asks as he presumably takes a seat with Donghyuck. Johnny still hasn't faced them, but he can feel the weight of their gazes on his back.

"I was just asking Johnny hyung if he's bothered by the fact that Taeyong hyung hasn't read and replied to his messages."

"Oh," Doyoung's voice is soft, almost empathetic. "Maybe he turned off his phone, so that he wouldn't have to feel obligated to respond to anyone, much less the person trying to hold him accountable for something he didn't do." Doyoung clicks his tongue as he recalls why Taeyong's on a break in the first place.

Johnny refuses to say what he thinks, that he thinks, as Taeyong's boyfriend, he should be the exception, because that is such a selfish thought. He's saved from answering when the microwave dings. He pulls out the containers and takes a deep breath before he goes to face his nosy dongsaengs.

"Look guys, I get it. I was just sending him messages, so he wouldn't think we've forgotten him or something. I don't mind that he hasn't seen it, not really." He sets the food down and hands Donghyuck and Doyoung their own cups of rice.

"Then what's really bothering you?" Doyoung asks.

"Yeah, you've been really weird and quiet all day," Donghyuck chimes in. "Is something wrong?"

Johnny opens his mouth, ready to spill his thoughts, but decides against it. He scoops up some rice and spoons it into his mouth instead.

Doyoung sighs. "It's okay to talk to us, hyung. We're not here to judge you or anything."

"Yeah, we just wanna help!"

Johnny chews on his mouthful of rice and finally, finally looks at Donghyuck and Doyoung. In this moment, he realizes they aren't just members of the same idol group, these are people he's grown up with. They're practically brothers. _Maybe, just maybe._

He swallows the food in his mouth, trying not to choke on it as it goes down. He takes a deep breath and says, "I'm—I—I feel like Taeyong leaving is a sign for something, uh, bigger, like he's gonna break up with me big." He catches Donghyuck's jaw drop, and Doyoung nods, signalling him to go on, so he does.

"I'm scared; I'm scared that one of the reasons he's gonna break up with me is because I'm not enough, you know? That he can't find comfort in me anymore, that's why he left, and then when he comes back, he's gonna break up with me because he'll realize he never really needed me." Johnny groans at how pathetic he sounds and lowers his head, a hand trying to cover up his face, so Donghyuck and Doyoung won't have to see him and vice versa.

Doyoung's scoff is more surprising than hurtful. It's so surprising that Johnny looks up at him with wide eyes, completely forgetting his shame. Doyoung clears his throat and mutters a quick apology. "I know we said we wouldn't judge you, so yeah, but hyung, you have to realize that's a bit ridiculous and farfetched."

Donghyuck nods his assent. "Taeyong hyung is taking a break from the spotlight, you know? And you know who else is in the spotlight? Us, hyung, that also means you, includes you. He's not taking a break from you, and he definitely doesn't think that he doesn't need you anymore."

"Taeyong hyung just needs to be alone, away from everyone, away from the people who hurt him, away from the business that continues to diminish his light. He just needs a break from that kind of pressure, and that also includes you, not because he can't find comfort in you, but because you're part of that industry. And it's not like he can whisk you away with him. For one thing, the company would never allow that, for another, that'd require you guys coming forward with your relationship." Doyoung clicks his tongue. "It's unfortunate, but it's just the way it is."

Johnny sighs. "So you really think we're okay?"

Donghyuck chuckles. "Hyung, if you're so worried, talk to Taeyong hyung about it when he gets back. Or when he starts answering your messages."

"Oh, you should try texting him on his number. Maybe his KakaoTalk notifications are off, but his number might still be active," Doyoung suggests.

Johnny hums. "I'll think about it."

Donghyuck reaches out and pats him on the shoulder. "Hyung, you should see the way Taeyong hyung looks at you. There's just no way he would ever break up with you."

That brings a little comfort to Johnny. He remembers when Taeyong had left, when he'd looked at him and they knew without words what the other was trying to say. He smiles as he spoons some more rice into his mouth.

That night, Johnny decides not to contact Taeyong. "I'll wait a few days," he mostly tells himself, but Doyoung and Donghyuck are still with him on the table. They let him go on as he explains, "If his phone is off, then I'll just respect his peace. He really needs a break after all."

And that's exactly what Johnny does, but he does send him one last message on KakaoTalk, in the spirit of being honest.

_I miss you._

Johnny locks his phone and puts it away.

Donghyuck enters their room then. "Hyung, wanna play a game?"

"Yeah, let's go."

* * *

It's thirty minutes to midnight, and their dorm is alive with chatter and energy as they wait for Taeyong's birthday. It had been Johnny's idea to plan a simple party, buying a cake and helping prepare some snacks. He'd even brought his cameras to film the whole thing. Now they're seated in their dining area with their manager, Johnny's camera in his hands while everyone sends Taeyong a short birthday greeting.

"Hyung, you got 10 minutes!" Mark says when the camera finally turns to Johnny.

Johnny laughs. "That's plenty of time, but if I end up blabbing until it's 10 seconds to midnight, gimme a shout!"

"Got it."

Johnny turns to the camera. He doesn't have much to say, and there's not much he _can_ say with their manager present, so he keeps it short. He pretends he's looking at Taeyong through the viewfinder, seeing his pastel blue hair shining under their dorm lights, his little smile that he always has when he's looking at Johnny.

"Taeyong-ah, you might not be here physically, but you're always here." He puts a hand to his heart and smiles. "Happy birthday, Taeyong. Thank you for being born, and thank you for always being by our side. We love you." _I love you._

"Okay, hyung 10!"

And everyone joins in the countdown. When the clock strikes 12, everyone shouts, "Happy birthday, Taeyong!" There's a round of singing and cheering, and for a moment, it really feels like Taeyong is with them, celebrating. Everyone turns to the camera to say their own brief greetings.

"Wait, guys, let's take a picture," Johnny says as Taeil finishes giving his short message. "Let's all put out finger hearts with the cake, and we'll send that to Taeyong right now."

As Johnny types his message in their group chat, the rest of the members begin to devour the food right in front of them. Their manager puts the camera down and joins them too. Johnny reads his simple greeting, over and over again, making sure it's safe for everyone to see, and then sends.

_Happy birthday, Taeyong-ah. From all of us._

Johnny's still looking at his phone when he catches the '1's disappearing from the KakaoTalk chat. And then his phone vibrates with Taeyong's number. The members are too busy eating and laughing amongst themselves, so he excuses himself briefly and answers the call in his room. Some of the members share a look, but none of them really call him out as he disappears.

"Hey, happy birthday!" he greets.

There's a chuckle at the other end of the line. "Hello to you too, Johnny, but thanks."

And just like that, the words easily fall from his lips. "I missed you."

"I missed you too."

Johnny can almost imagine Taeyong's smile as he says the words.

"Sorry I haven't been able to reply to any of your messages. My sister took my phone, and they turned it off. I just got it back because I begged for it." He chuckles a little at the end of his sentence, and Johnny's heart swells at the sound of it.

"No, it's okay. Don't apologize. I totally get why they made you do it. And in the end, wasn't it better for you?"

"Yeah, I guess." There's a pause, and all Johnny can hear at the end of the line is soft music, some people chattering in the background. "But I begged to have it, so I could call you. I really, _really_ missed you."

Johnny's heart skips a beat. He lays back down on his bed and sighs. "Yeah, I missed you, too. Probably why I sent those messages."

"Yeah." Taeyong giggles, the sound of it soft and beautiful. "I figured, but it was sweet. It really feels like I never left. And thanks for the birthday greeting. I saw the picture of the finger hearts. It's cute."

"You're cuter."

Taeyong laughs, loud enough that he pulls the phone away, but Johnny still hears him. "You're cute, too, just so you know."

Johnny chuckles. "Thanks. So did your family throw you a party?"

"We're doing it tomorrow, but they made me blow out some candles when it was 12. Kinda felt like I was back at the dorms, except it was my family and not you guys." Taeyong sighs, and there's a rustling in the background, as if he's lying down in his bed. "It reminded me of that birthday date we planned. Just us in my room, eating dinner and cake, and then you promised to give me my present right at midnight. Sorry we couldn't do any of that."

"Hey, stop apologizing. Nothing is your fault, and we might've missed celebrating your birthday this year, but there's always next year. As for your present…"

"What? You got me something? You didn't have to."

"I wanted to. It'll be the first thing you get when you come back."

Taeyong yawns. "Looking forward to it."

"Go to sleep, Taeyong-ah."

"Hmmm, good night, Johnny." And softly, just barely a whisper. "I—"

"I do, too."

* * *

Taeyong comes back almost a full week later, on a bright morning, where the sun lights up the dorm, and Johnny is fully and wide awake, having consumed enough coffee to be alert the whole day. He and Taeyong have exchanged a few messages since Taeyong got his phone back, but he hasn't gotten the courage to breach the subject of his worries. His leg bounces as he waits for Taeyong to show up at the door, velvet box ready in his pocket, and a few rehearsed words running through his head.

 _Today's the day_ , Johnny thinks. He's decided to talk to Taeyong no matter what and be open about his worries. _Things will work out_ , he reassures himself because that's what relationships are about, working things out.

The door makes a sound, and Johnny watches Taeyong come in through the door, dressed lightly as the summer weather starts making itself apparent. His pastel blue hair gleams a little from the sunlight pouring into their dorm, and his skin glistens with a sheen that can only be attributed to a good sleep. Their eyes meet the moment Taeyong turns, and his lips curl into a bright and wide smile.

Johnny takes a step forward, but every other member of the fifth floor dorm push past him as they envelop Taeyong in hugs and greetings. Johnny stands back, amazed, and he grudgingly steps forward, feeling a little late to the party.

"Belated happy birthday, Taeyong-ah," Johnny says, when everyone else has gone.

"Thanks, Youngho." They just stare at each other for a few seconds, unable to say the words they really want to say, and then Taeyong goes. "Where's my present?"

Johnny chuckles and puts an arm around Taeyong's shoulder. "Come on, I'll help you unpack, and then I'll show you."

They don't actually unpack. Johnny puts down Taeyong's bag on the side of his bed and makes Taeyong sit down with him at the edge.

"Your present." He pulls out the velvet box from his pocket and opens it.

"Oh my god."

"I know we can't, technically, wear them, but as long as we have it, it's a promise I'm making to you that I'm yours, for as long as you'll have me."

"Johnny—I," Taeyong doesn't say anything else but wraps his arms around Johnny. "Same to you," he whispers with a chuckle. "I can be pretty annoying, you know."

"Same here."

"Then I guess we're perfect for each other." Taeyong's smile is wide and beautiful, and takes one of the rings out and holds out his hands for Johnny to give him his hand. Johnny chuckles but does so, allowing Taeyong to put the ring on him.

Taeyong puts his hand out and waits for Johnny to do the same. Johnny obeys wordlessly, lips in a permanent smile. It almost hurts, but he can't stop himself. His heart almost gives out when Taeyong looks back at the ring and wiggles his fingers. "It's like we're married," he says.

Johnny curses because maybe he should have talked to Taeyong first before giving him the present. But it's too late now. "Uh," Johnny clears his throat, "Now that I've given you your present, there's something else I need to say."

Taeyong raises his brow, waiting for Johnny to elaborate.

"This is gonna sound ridiculous and pathetic but, I, uh, when you left, I was really scared and worried that I thought it might be a sign that you were gonna break up with me." Taeyong opens his mouth, seemingly to protest, but Johnny cuts him off and continues, "And well, that seems stupid now, because we've exchanged rings and all, but it's just. It felt like, when you left, that I wasn't really able to give you comfort or strength, maybe both. So I was scared that you didn't think I was enough or love me anymore."

Taeyong's hand finds its way onto Johnny's, holding it tight, as if to tell Johnny he would never let go. "You know that's not true, right?"

"Well, Doyoung and Donghyuck told me it wasn't, but, I had to be sure."

"It's not true. And I'm sure whatever they told you was right. It's Doyoung after all," Taeyong says, chuckling towards the end. He leans onto Johnny's side, rests his head on Johnny's shoulder. "But, well, I guess, if we're being honest, then I should tell you that I did, uh, think about breaking up but not for the reasons you think, and I definitely don't want to break up, it just, it crossed my mind."

Johnny tries to calm the whirlwind of emotion inside of him. "But you're not, right? Gonna break up with me?"

"No," Taeyong says, tone hardened and determined. He loops his arm around Johnny's until their hands meet again. "Absolutely not. But it crossed my mind because with all the negative comments and the lawsuits, it made me wonder if I wasn't putting you or your career in danger too."

Before Johnny can say something, to possibly dissuade Taeyong, Taeyong cuts him off, "But I realized, while I was away, that we were stronger together, you know? I couldn't have handled all those things without you, and half the reason I'm here right now is because you stood by me through everything. So it's selfish of me, but I think I'd rather face those challenges with you by my side than without you."

Johnny sighs in relief. He turns to plant a kiss at the top of Taeyong's head. "I like that. I feel the same, you know?" Johnny tightens his hold on Taeyong's hand. "From here on out, we're a team, always."

"Promise?" Taeyong turns to face Johnny, eyes sparkling with an intense emotion.

"Promise."

"I love you," Taeyong whispers, leaning in, lips lightly brushing against Johnny's own.

"I love you, too."

Johnny meets him halfway, sealing their promise with a kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> if you made it this far, thank you!!! don't forget to leave a kudos and/or a comment if you also enjoyed it 💗
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/johnyongs). [cc](https://curiouscat.me/suhrendipity).


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